We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
