My cat gives me a boner
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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