watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
