thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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