i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
