Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
