You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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