Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
