I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
