What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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