I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
