bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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