Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
