Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
