I met the friendliest cop last night
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she looked like the before picture.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This is the high leading the old right now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize