i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
