How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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