I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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