i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
