And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
