I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Randomize