The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
