Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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