How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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