my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
