You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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