I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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