Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
