i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
