you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
