Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
