i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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