it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize