Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
