I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
