well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
