It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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