What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
