My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There r osticjed everywhere
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
