I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
