She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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