You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This is my gift to your gina
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
