You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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