I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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