Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
