Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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