I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
