is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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