It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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