i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
