Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
