Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
