He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize