Don't make out with my wife yet
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
