so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
